Humour |
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| IT IS A LITTLE HUMOUR |
He will not come to London once more
An African chief came to London for the first time when he was past sixty. He passed the night in a hotel and in the morning went for a walk to look around the town.
Accidentally he found himself at a railway station and stopped there at an iron gate to watch a train come in. It was a suburban train which arrived in time for City clerks to get to the office just in time.
The train was still moving when a huge number of very angry young men with fierce looks silently rushed out carrying their umbrellas like spears, and ran towards him. They seemed to hunt him.
"Savages, - thought the African visitor. - Something terrible is going to happen" - and he took to his heels.
In a taxi he felt relatively safe. In his hotel room he locked the door and decided not to answer any knocks or go out before dark.
Back home he told his friends of the incident, adding: "It was lucky they lost track of me".
He missed his dinner but enjoyed his supper
Supper was already over when a guest unexpectedly arrived.
- Would you care for some macaroni and a piece of an apple pie? - mother asked.
- Thanks, it comes just at the moment, I missed my dinner being on the way and am rather hungry, - the guest answered.
Mother put another plate on the table for him and brought a dish of nicely browned macaroni from kitchen.
- Keep our friend company, Jackie, while I heat the apple pie and coffee, - she said.
Jackie ran out of the room for a minute and returned with a neatly cut piece of cheese on a plate.
- There's a good boy, - the guest said having finished the macaroni and the cheese. - A clever boy always knows what may be found in the frig.
That didn't come from the frig, - Jackie answered triumphantly, - it came from the mouse trap.
Jokes
Teacher: Randy, if you put your hand in one pants pocket and found 75 cents, then you put your other hand in your other pants pocket and found 50 cents, what would you have?
Randy: I'd have somebody else's pants on!
Student: I don't think I deserve a zero on this test
Teacher: Neither do I, but it's the lowest grade I can give you!
Teacher: Billy, name five things that contain milk.
Billy: Butter, cheese, ice cream, and um... two cows!
* * *
Willie, with a thirst for gore,
Nailed his sister to the door.
Mother said, with humour quaint:
"Now Willie dear,
don't scratch the paint!"
Cathy had a little car
And it was painted red.
And everywhere that Cathy went
The cops picked up the dead!!
* * *
A man was seated in the movie house with his arm around a large dog sitting in the seat next to him. The dog was clearly enjoying the picture, even yelping at the funny parts. A man sitting behind them leaned over and said, "Excuse me, sir, but I can't get over your dog's behaviour!"
The man with the dog turned around and said, "Frankly, it surprises me too. He hated the book."
* * *
Judge: Does the defendant realize that he was driving down a one-way street?
Defendant: I was driving only one way, your honour!
Judge: Didn't you see the arrows?
Defendant: Arrows? I didn't even see the Indians!
* * *
Mom: We can't keep a horse in the house. Think of the smell.
Son: Don't worry. They'll get used to it!
* * *
Friend: Gee, you smell good. What have you got on?
David: Clean socks.
* * *
First guy: Say, are you warm from the sun?
Second guy: No, I'm Smith from the Times.
* * *
Patient: Doc, I have trouble falling asleep at night.
Doctor: Well, just lie on the edge of the bed and you'll soon drop off.
* * *
It was an amazing coincidence that all three of the daughters in the Potato family came home on the same day to announce that they were going to get married. Father was surprised and figured that he had just better sit down with each girl in order to make sure that they had selected a proper mate. Calling on his eldest daughter first, they retired to Dad's den.
"So, daughter, tell me about this special guy in your life," said Dad
"Oh, Daddy," gushed his daughter, "I'm so happy! Jimmy Mashedpotato has asked me to marry him and I said yes."
"Well, that's wonderful," said Father. "Jimmy is a wonderful boy and the Mashedpotato family is very respected in our community. You have my blessings."
Calling in his second daughter, Mr. Potato repeated the question he had posed to the eldest. "Oh, Pop," gushed daughter number two, "Eddie Sweetpotato asked me to marry him today and I'm so happy!"
"Well," replied her father, "that's wonderful. Eddie is a nice young man and the Sweetptotato family is very influential. You have my blessings." Calling in his youngest, Pop Potato was feeling good about the choices his other two daughters had made, and so without hesitation, he once again asked about the young man in her life. "Oh, Dad," gushed daughter number three. "I'm just so excited. Dan Rather has asked me to marry him and I said yes."
"Dan Rather?" exploded her father. "Dan Rather? You can't marry Rather...he's just a commentator!"
* * *
A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the
lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says,
"Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do
that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma
attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood
sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll
bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer,
I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really
low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this
white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
* * *
A large two engine train was crossing America. After they had gone some
distance one of the engines broke down.
"No problem," the engineer thought,
and carried on at half-power. Further on down the line, the other engine
broke down, and the train came to a standstill. The engineer decided he
should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the
following announcement:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some
bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be
stuck here for some time. The good news is that this is a train and not a
plane."
* * *
The best regards from Russia | |
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AGO |
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